Three days after I wrote the last post, so full of plans and hopes for the future, I was in hospital with an acute attack of pancreatitis. I am told that’s one of the most intense kinds of pain known to man. The doctors don’t know why I had the attack. And they are scratching their heads about why I am still in pain now. I’m waiting for more tests.

Suffice to say that the last couple of months have not gone according to plan. Instead of turning my energy outward, towards the needs of the world, I have been forced to look inward again. From necessity, I have had to take care of myself, to be with this pain, to work towards healing. So far nothing I have tried has significantly improved the pain, although acupuncture seems to have made a big difference in my energy levels.

Not knowing why I’m in pain, or what to do about it, is challenging. It makes me come up against demons of fear, anger, and endless frustration. I am being constantly challenged to face up to these emotions, to shed the illusions of certainty and stability, and to let go of some a lot of the comfort and protection that I have hidden behind for most of my life.

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