While doctors are scratching their heads over what exactly is wrong with me and what to do about it, I am living with constant pain of varying intensity. The uncertainty about what is causing it and what to do or avoid to help myself get better, or at least no worse, is the most trying part of this whole thing.

The illusion of certainty, the idea that life is predictable and we have a certain amount of control over it, has been demolished quite effectively. I can’t tell from one day to the next how I will feel. At the same time, I am denied a lot of the comforts that would normally help me deal with that uncertainty, like cake, or a plate of fish and chips, or a glass of alcohol. I am being challenged to let go of some non-food related comforts too, and to taste all the flavours of life as they come to me, undiluted. I am being asked to stay awake and aware.

And because of the pain and uncertainty, I am learning something that I don’t think I would have otherwise. I am learning to be gentle to myself. Read the rest of this entry »

What was the incident that told me, as a young child, that I was not good enough? I certainly don’t know. All I do know is that from a very young age I didn’t feel like I belonged with the other children, that I was somehow not like them. That I needed fixing.

Another thing that I have carried with me from an early age, at least from my early teens, probably longer, is an interest in religion and spirituality. And I have always been certain that following a spiritual path would lead to me being a better person. It would do the fixing.

There is no denying that my spiritual practice has given me many insights and untold treasures over the years. It has been a beautiful journey. But it took a very ordinary secular counsellor to help me come to the conclusion that I don’t need fixing.

With my recent unresolved health challenges, I am learning that lesson all over again. Read the rest of this entry »