Things have been slacking a bit around here. Ever since I got back from that awesome OBOD camp, my spiritual practice has been lacking in consistency. Especially getting out there on time in the mornings before work has been hard.

So I promised myself that after last night's new-moon-with-solar-eclipse, I would start doing it right again. And in my head, of course, that meant sticking to the schedule, getting things done, running a tighter ship. Predictably, I failed miserably on day one.

I don't know if you have any experience of self-motivation when there is nobody but yourself to answer to? It's a really tough call. And this morning I got stuck on Facebook. And then, just as I was about to get going, I got a long phone call from my mum. And then I got stuck in dreaming about the Big Adventure*, in a general, non-specific, non-productive kind of way. Do you know that kind of day?

Suffice to say, I didn't actually do my morning practice until after midday. And after that I was still having trouble motivating myself. It felt bad. I was not matching up to the standard I had set for myself. A sharp, critical voice from somewhere inside called me 'lazy' and I was buying it. I had the ick.

And then, somewhere close to 6pm, when I normally start winding down my day, I suddenly realised that I was reverting to type. I was living by an old definition of 'doing it right'. The kind where I'd force myself to keep going no matter what. The kind that often left me either tired or frustrated. Or both. I remembered what I learned back in the Autumn: the best way to motivate myself is to be kind and gentle to myself and to love myself into whatever it is I need to do. And miraculously, a ritual and a clean bathroom happened inside the next hour and a half.

Doing it right has a new definition. It is about listening to myself and finding my own rhythm. Some days I'm just not going to be as productive as others. Sometimes, my body is going to tell me to slow down and just sit and let the day happen to me.

I need times where I can dream. Because the non-specific, non-productive type of dreaming needs to happen to, and is in fact very important. This is where inspiration is born. So what if the urge to dream takes me before I have done my meditation? So what if my imagination chooses to run wild at a time that doesn't fit in with my schedule?

I guess what I am trying to say is: I need to learn to let go of rigid timetables and plans and let my day flow through me at its own speed, in its own time. It is a gentler way to be. And a happier one. I hope I will remember this the next time that sharp critical voice pipes up. All I need to know is that the voice comes from a part of me that is afraid to trust.

So this lunar cycle I'll try an experiment. I'll get into the flow of life and see where it carries me. Trust that it will take me exactly where I need to be. Isn't that the only way to have a Big Adventure?

* The Big Adventure = the Westacre Project. My husband and I are going to renovate a house and make it as environmentally friendly as we can. I plan run a mini retreat centre from there. This is Westacre Day minus 214.