As the trees shed their leaves, I am aiming to let go of some things that no longer serve me. There are some habits and rituals that I have become very used to but that distract me from being the person I would like to be. As the winds of autumn strip the trees bare of old growth, I would like to sweep clean my life of superfluous distractions.
Perhaps 'addictions' is a better name for them. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with regularly checking Facebook, or reading daily updates on a particular fan site, or playing a computer game to relax in the evening. But when they make me late in the mornings so that I don't quite have enough time for meditation, or when they keep me stuck to the keyboard so long that I go to bed later than is good for me, then perhaps something isn't quite as it should be.
About five months ago I had a dream where I met my goddess on the top of a hill. Her wind swept me clean and clear, and as I descended I was able to take her presence with me to my people through ceremony. But distractions got in my way: people wanting to talk about a film they had seen, or about their dog, or whatever. I had to concentrate quite hard to keep that feeling of presence and to perform that ceremony. It was clear to me then that I had to examine the things that distract me from who I truly am, and how I actually use them to hide.
Playing a stupid computer game for hours is in fact quite soothing. It calms me after a long day at work. But if I can't stop, if that is all I do all evening, then I'm no longer soothing myself. In fact, it makes me feel decidedly worse. What I am doing is avoiding the fullness of life, hiding from the stress of the day, and refusing to deal with it properly. When that keeps happening, it is time to delete the folder of games off my computer's desktop. Which is what I did.
What I need to do is examine my little habits and decide which ones actually help me, and which ones cut me off from the stillness that lies at the heart of me and of all things. When I am preparing lessons for my evening classes, for example, I need to pause from time to time, fiddle around a little on the internet or browse in some books, and soon the creative juices are flowing again. But how much of that do I really need, and how much is just sheer habit?
As time goes by, I am finding it harder to connect to my goddess and the stillness she has shown me. I need time and opportunities to find her again and slowly let her presence expand into my daily life. I wonder if I could do this instead of trying to quiet my busy brain by filling it with more stuff, which is what I often do. I think this may actually work.
I don't think this will be easy. In fact, like breaking any addiction, it will be quite hard. The guidance I have been given says that commitment to my daily meditations and living fully inside my senses will help me. I shall give it a go. I don't doubt that it will feel like sacrifice at times, but I am aiming to make it a celebration of life.