Something big is happening. I can feel it. Something fundamental has changed this year. It's like a chrysalis of my life is cracking and a butterfly is about to come out. That's how big it feels.

I have learned so much in the last six months or so. First there was the realisation that I had been identifying exclusively with the hurt and scared child part of myself, which made it impossible to acknowledge and own everything that I have achieved as an adult. When I realised that, I stopped feeling like a fraud and started to feel like a competent person who can, and does, make a difference in the world. That was one of the biggest light bulb moments of my life.

This insight took a while to sink in, and taught me how to be more gentle with myself. I am learning to love myself and not be so hard in my judgements of myself. And I am learning that there isn't essentially anything wrong with me. Which is another light bulb.

So much of my spiritual practice so far has been focused on changing myself. Identified with the hurt child inside, I couldn't help judging myself as not competent enough, not strong enough, not spiritual enough. I judged myself as 'not enough' in any number of ways. And I worked hard to make myself different, to change myself so that I could finally be enough. All that time and energy spent looking in the wrong direction.

Because it isn't about me. In this time of ecological, political, social and economic unrest, my spiritual practice needs to focus outward, on the world around me. It needs to become a place where the Divine can touch the world, because the world so needs it.

My shamanic teacher always asks us to look for 'the place where our skills and the needs of the world meet'. I found a need in the world that has touched me deeply, and that I think is fundamental to many of the ills of our time. The disconnection that allows people to leave their empty vodka bottles under the Great Oak is the same disconnection that allows people to loot and burn shops, to exploit other people, and to continue to do damage to our planet. I long to find ways of healing this, in the first instance through ritual, because that is the skill that calls to me. Ritual is the place where I relax and become myself.

So my focus is changing. From being preoccupied with what is going on inside me, I am looking outward at the world. I am turning inside out.

Mind you, I'm not finding it easy. Opening out and stretching my wings feels very unfamiliar, and I need to give myself much love and gentle reassurance. I also need to commit time and space to what is an extended practice, which involves dedication and cutting back on a few familiar addictions. But it's starting. Writing this blog is a small part of it. Re-designing my whole web site and creating a small e-course is another. Beginning to create ritual and finding more ways of sharing it with people is also on the cards.

Watch this space. You might see a butterfly showing her colours.