Well, it's definitely been a very eventful month for me and my spirits. It all started three and a half weeks ago, when I was having tea and cake with my in-laws. Out of nowhere, I got this pain in my stomach. I tried to ignore it, but it just got worse and worse. I'll spare you the details, but I was taken to Accident and Emergency in an ambulance. Turns out I had a gallbladder attack.
The interesting thing is that my spirits let me know there was something wrong weeks before it happened. I noted down this dream in my journal: "There was this hound-sized insect that had another insect embedded in it. My guides showed me how to cut the back off the smaller insect to disable it and weaken both." Which is rather pertinent if you know that your gallbladder sits in a hollow inside your liver.
The dream was remarkable in many ways. Shamanically speaking, big black insects are usually a sign of an intrusion: something in your energy body that doesn't belong there. That is definitely the case with my gallbladder right now: lots of stuff that doesn't belong there. Also, my shamanic spirits don't usually turn up in my night dreams. I think that was a first. And best of all: this clearly shows that my spirits knew what was going on and were clearly on the case.
At the time, of course, I didn't know that there was anything physically wrong with me. Next time I have a dream of big black insects, I'll know better. But the dream did shout 'intrusion' to me, so I took it out into the garden to dance with it. The images that came were about negative thoughts and me not accepting myself - pretty unremarkable stuff.
But after the incident at A&E, I realised what the dream was all about. And obviously the images that came in the dance were pointing towards the cause of my illness. So I asked my dreams: "Why are things like this?" Why do I find it so hard to accept myself? The answer came.
I must have been in some pain in my sleep, because I dreamed of my father lying across my midriff and causing discomfort. He expected me to push him up, but there was no way I could, from that position. The next image was my father walking towards the window. I said: "I have never seen him walk before." I felt very moved by it.
To understand this, you need to know that my dad had Multiple Sclerosis for all of my life. He died in 1999, and his illness no doubt shaped much of the person I am. It probably also caused a lot of unprocessed anger and worry, and those are feelings that, according to eastern medicine, are stored in your gallbladder.
This dream made clear that I needed to do some work with my ancestors, especially since gallbladder disease runs in families and my dad had it, too. So I followed up this dream with a full shamanic journey. My healing started in that journey, and I was given a lot of advice. I was shown that I needed to tend the flame for my ancestor every day.
Since then, that is what I have been doing. I have lit a candle every day for my dad and just spent time with him. That's not hard, as he is in my blood, an essential part of me.
I considered two ways of dealing with the physical intrusion: to have my gallbladder removed surgically or to try some alternative medicine to clear it out. Because from the dream with the black insects, if not simply from the pain of that gallbladder attack, it seems obvious that something drastic needs doing, and soon.
My chosen plan of action is to try the cleanse. So right now I'm on a very involved detox diet, to prepare my body for a liver and gallbladder purge. After the detox, I will journey again to see if my spirits agree. They may advise me to go with the surgery after all. But I really hope to avoid that and keep my digestive system intact.
This whole episode just feels like a big adventure to me. I am learning how to work with my spirits for healing. And I am looking after my body like never before. Hopefully both those things will bear fruit for the future.