For many years, and particularly this last year, I have been struggling against a tight feeling in the region of my heart. I always labelled it as fear, or anxiety. During my spiritual practice, I would try to make this feeling go away. I would breathe into it, or flood it with light, or do something to it to heal it. And it just wouldn't go away. If anything, it got worse over time.

Lately, I have been trying a whole new tack. Instead of fighting the feeling, I began to listen to it. And as soon as I did so, it became clear that there was a lot of power in that feeling. It felt like there was another person in there, a being I didn't know but felt curious about. I asked it: "Who are you? Please let me get to know you."

Many images came: pearly light of many colours streaming out of my heart; myself dressed in lion skins, looking very regal; my dark twin, who is the night sky, and I am the stars. It became clear that fighting this other person was not at all the right thing to do. Trying to make her go away is like trying to make my own power leave me. If I cut my dark twin away, there will be only a shell of me left. She is my wild side, my powerful soul, the part that makes me whole. She comes as a picture of me with black skin, but also as the Beloved, the personification of what I long for, and as the Cailleach, the dark Goddess.

So now in my spiritual practice I still listen to this ache near my heart and I embrace it. And when I do, energy rushes through me, filling me with life. This dark twin, my wild side, naturally does what I have always longed for: she lives life to the full, with all her senses, without holding back. This Life is what I long for, it is life with the Beloved. It is life with/as the Goddess.

Trouble is, how do I live like that? I have known for years now that to live fully in my senses is something I need to learn to do. I long to live like that, I know it will open me up to so much more Life. But I never manage it longer than a few minutes at most. My natural state is to withdraw inside myself, keeping the doors well shut. Yet the spirits tell me that they thrive if they are heard and seen, if they are given love through people's senses. And that is exactly what living on my wild side would be like.

When a question is sincere, and answer is always near. The Sword Queen taught me how to cut away thoughts that are unhelpful to me (I have many) and the Spear Queen showed me the path of dedication. Living in my senses is something I need to learn, like you learn to play an instrument. If you want to be really good at it, you need to practice, for many hours a day, until it becomes second nature.

I know what I have to do: if I embrace that power in my heart instead of fighting it, I am instantly filled with powerful love. And I am instantly more aware of my senses at the same time. Staying with that embrace is what I need to practice. It is like embracing the Beloved, and he will show me the way to my Divine Self.