In my last post I wrote: "the essence of me is Spirit, is Goddess. Everything else is history, ancestral or personal." That of course applies to all of us, to every living being. Our essence is Spirit.

Which by no means trivialises history. All of us carry the history of our Ancestors in every cell of our bodies. And we carry the story of our personal lives as well. For many of us, this can be a heavy burden. For me, this history has taken me to hospital with pancreatitis, through months of pain, and into a real transformation.

Though I feel much better than I did two months ago, I am not at the end of that story yet. And some more of my history sits in the palpable tension in my shoulders, neck and jaw. It shows in my habit of holding my breath when I make a physical effort.

All of that indicates that my history isn't quite "a robe of many colours, of hues and subtleties that help me to express my unique gift to the world" as yet. Much of it is still a burden, causing me real discomfort. I can't claim I know how to turn my history from a burden into a beautiful robe. All I have is some ideas, some practices that have helped to relax and heal me these last six months. I have written about them before, but as I continue to practice, they evolve and their meaning for me subtly changes. Hopefully, I'll be able to slowly unpack that heavy backpack and find that the beautiful robe was in there all along.

The one most powerful thing I have learned, or re-learned, recently is that I need to be kind and loving to myself. Without self-love, nothing works. I turn into an anxious wreck full of self-judgement. I did that again just a couple of weeks ago. In my meditation I saw my child self sob with the frustration of it. It was clear that I needed to do this differently.

Now, I am practising kindness and love for myself. Whenever I find myself rushing, or being critical of myself, or holding tension in my body, I just give myself some extra love and comfort. The beauty is that it doesn't all have to come from me. The love of the Ancestors is right there with me, just like their history. They can help me heal.

I feel the support of my guiding spirits and of my Ancestors. I feel the presence of Spirit. I know that essentially I am one with All That Is, part of a greater reality of beauty and strength. From that perspective, I can begin to trust life. To trust that, ultimately, I will be OK. This is still very new for me and needs lots more practice!

The third thing is to literally soften. Soften my belly so I can know what truly being alive feels like. Soften those tense muscles with gentle yoga stretches so I can breathe freely. Soften my mind, accepting what is. All these things put the heavy burden of history into perspective. My body has, over the years, developed a habit of carrying much weight. But when I truly let myself feel, things seem so much lighter very quickly.

With gentle love for myself, with trust in the Universe and a softer body, I feel like I've finally started to let go of that burden. There is a lot still to loosen and untie. But somewhere in there is that beautiful robe. Or am I wearing it already?