Cauldron

Imagine camping in the rain, in a muddy field, for a cold week late in April. Sixty odd people living closely together, seeking shelter from the wet. Imagine a central fire that turns into a central water feature after 36 hours of incessant rain. Imagine sucking mud, and boots that start to all look the same. Imagine waterproofs and damp clothes. Quite challenging, right?

Then imagine a sickness bug levelling about a quarter of those present, and making pretty much everyone else feel sick for at least some hours. Imagine buckets of sick having to be carried across the field and disposed of safely. Imagine seven people puking communally in a bender that is now a makeshift little hospital. Imagine the mother of all thunderstorms breaking over that camp, that bender, those people being ill and the ones looking after them. Some tents are levelled, others have little rivers running through them. You’ve now got trench warfare – it even sounds like you’re being shelled. Read the rest of this entry »

One of my passions in life is ritual. Couldn’t do without it.  Being in a Sacred Circle, present to every movement of Spirit, balances, heals and inspires me.

Ritual. It’s an interesting word. It has a certain flavour to it, heady and dangerous. I resisted the word for years, preferring to call what I do ‘ceremony’. Ceremony sounds grand, doesn’t it? It has something about it that feels authoritative, official, sanctioned in some way. I liked the stateliness of the word, the implication that it is beautiful and choreographed. That it is full of reverence and respectability. Read the rest of this entry »

Here is the truth: sometimes I lose my spiritual connection. It usually happens when my routine is disrupted for some reason. Going away from home always does it. Going to stay with my mother in Belgium for a week always stops my spiritual practice dead. Being without my usual room, or my garden, it just doesn’t happen. And without the practice, the sense of connection grows very thin.

I am very firmly rooted in the London clay, in the land between the Hill (Harrow Hill, which held a sanctuary to the gods long before the church was built) and the ridge (a wooded rise of land where and ancient ditch marks an old boundary). If I go somewhere else, I need to put down roots before I feel stable and grounded enough to fruitfully meditate. Read the rest of this entry »

An important part of my soul resides at Slieve na Calliagh in Ireland. I have only been there once, but I met my Goddess there and over the years it has become a place I visit regularly in meditations and journeys.

Slieve na Cailliagh is a passage cairn that is aligned to the sunrise at the Equinoxes. At these times, the sun illuminates the symbols on the back stone at the end of the passage. For this reason, the Equinoxes are important in my practice. The Autumn Equinox is a time when I go into the passage grave and turn towards the darkness. At the Spring Equinox, I step out again into the world and into an active life. Read the rest of this entry »

“And suddenly the bull looked at me. With the innocence of all animals in his eyes, but also with a supplication. It was a complaint against the inexplicable injustice, an appeal against the unnecessary cruelty.”

This photo and a version* of this quote have been doing the rounds of Facebook. The story touched me, and I wanted to use it as a starting point for this post, so I checked it out. I think what is going around on Facebook is a conflation of the event associated with the picture and the worlds of Alvaro Munera, whose journey from bullfighter to animal rights activist is a great story in itself.

I believe that this kind of connection between one being and another, across the boundaries of species, is possible. I have had my own conversations with cats, trees, and insects. This particular communication between man and bull may well have happened, even if it didn’t happen to the man whose name has become attached to it. Anyway, who am I to let the truth get in the way of a good story? Read the rest of this entry »

A week or two ago, I was watching a TED talk about tar sands mines and the damage they do. It wasn’t easy viewing. And it depressed me. I know that, for the good of us all, and not least for the good of those ancient forests and wetlands and the people, human and otherwise, who live there, we need to keep that oil in the ground. But I could see no way that we can persuade the people with the oil money to refrain from stripping bare another patch of our Mother Earth just because it is the right thing to do. It depressed me. Read the rest of this entry »

In my last post I wrote: “the essence of me is Spirit, is Goddess. Everything else is history, ancestral or personal.” That of course applies to all of us, to every living being. Our essence is Spirit.

Which by no means trivialises history. All of us carry the history of our Ancestors in every cell of our bodies. And we carry the story of our personal lives as well. For many of us, this can be a heavy burden. For me, this history has taken me to hospital with pancreatitis, through months of pain, and into a real transformation. Read the rest of this entry »

There must be something in the air around Valentine’s Day. This last week or so I have been pondering love. Love for myself and love for all beings. And love for the particular beings that I share my world with.

It all started with my preparations for the Big Adventure* at Westacre. As has happened so often in my life, I have beautifully expressed and detailed plans for what I need to do to get a website for the project up and running. The plans have been there for months. They only thing I haven’t done is actually start designing the thing and writing content.  I have had so many grand plans in my life, but actually implementing them has always been a huge problem. Read the rest of this entry »

Winter has just started. Over the last week or so, it’s been properly cold for the first time this winter, and it is actually snowing outside. So of course it was today that our OBOD seedgroup celebrated the first festival of Spring.

With the Winter so far having been very mild, there are actually quite a few signs of Spring about. The snow drops in my garden have just dropped their little flower heads. Lots of bulbs are beginning to show green growth above ground. Deep in the belly of the Earth, things are stirring, seeds are softening, things are beginning to grow – and they will do so more visibly once the weather gives them a chance. Read the rest of this entry »

Being open to the wonder of every moment without straining, without making it into a big thing by calling it a ’spiritual practice’ and making it something to strive for and do perfectly is a big challenge for me. Just letting go and being in the moment, open and relaxed, is not something that comes to me easily. But the course of my life these last few months has made it easier to see a way. Read the rest of this entry »

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been practising effortless wonder. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m OK at the wonder part, but the effortlessness leaves a lot to be desired.

Because of my questionable health, I have been paying more attention to my breath and the ways I am holding my breath and my muscles. I have discovered that I really do an awful lot of holding on and holding in. I put a lot more effort than is necessary into the simplest things, like washing up, or typing, or even just breathing. I seem to always be bracing myself against some unknown and unexpected disaster.

There are events from my childhood that explain a lot of this. But this strategy of self-defence that I learned three decades or more ago, is no longer serving me. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a large contributing factor to making me ill. It is time to let go. I need to literally let go of all this tension. Read the rest of this entry »

As we begin to plan for the Big Adventure* in detail, this is a year of dreaming for us. As well as the aspects of insulation and heating systems, I also dream the life I wish to lead once we move in to our new house. I dream details of my home, my garden, my business. I am dreaming a life.

At the same time, I believe that we are each part of the Great Collective that makes up this world. Just one element in the living being that is the Earth. We humans have a unique gift among our fellow beings: we are the Earth become conscious. What we think, what we dream and long for, feeds into the reality we create for ourselves and ‘all our relations’. I believe it is our responsibility to think and dream beauty and peace for our world. Read the rest of this entry »

At this darkest time of the year, I feel empty. Taken apart piece by piece, and scoured clean. After four months, I am still in pain, and many things that I once identified myself by are gone. I feel suspended, hanging by a single thread. Waiting for the tide to turn, for the light to return at the Solstice.

Back in August, I was City Lit’s long serving Dutch tutor. Now I’m not teaching Dutch for the first time in sixteen years, and may never do so again. Back then, I was not in top notch condition, but my body was not stopping me from doing things. Now I have been unable to work for months. Then, I had a part-time office job and felt useful. Now they’re coping just fine without me. Then, I had this belief that my spirits would heal me, and I would never need anything like antidepressants. Now I’m taking just that, hoping it will help with the physical pain.

Bit by bit, my image of myself has been taken apart. I’ve been reduced to the bare bones. What is left is not what you would expect.
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While doctors are scratching their heads over what exactly is wrong with me and what to do about it, I am living with constant pain of varying intensity. The uncertainty about what is causing it and what to do or avoid to help myself get better, or at least no worse, is the most trying part of this whole thing.

The illusion of certainty, the idea that life is predictable and we have a certain amount of control over it, has been demolished quite effectively. I can’t tell from one day to the next how I will feel. At the same time, I am denied a lot of the comforts that would normally help me deal with that uncertainty, like cake, or a plate of fish and chips, or a glass of alcohol. I am being challenged to let go of some non-food related comforts too, and to taste all the flavours of life as they come to me, undiluted. I am being asked to stay awake and aware.

And because of the pain and uncertainty, I am learning something that I don’t think I would have otherwise. I am learning to be gentle to myself. Read the rest of this entry »

What was the incident that told me, as a young child, that I was not good enough? I certainly don’t know. All I do know is that from a very young age I didn’t feel like I belonged with the other children, that I was somehow not like them. That I needed fixing.

Another thing that I have carried with me from an early age, at least from my early teens, probably longer, is an interest in religion and spirituality. And I have always been certain that following a spiritual path would lead to me being a better person. It would do the fixing.

There is no denying that my spiritual practice has given me many insights and untold treasures over the years. It has been a beautiful journey. But it took a very ordinary secular counsellor to help me come to the conclusion that I don’t need fixing.

With my recent unresolved health challenges, I am learning that lesson all over again. Read the rest of this entry »

Three days after I wrote the last post, so full of plans and hopes for the future, I was in hospital with an acute attack of pancreatitis. I am told that’s one of the most intense kinds of pain known to man. The doctors don’t know why I had the attack. And they are scratching their heads about why I am still in pain now. I’m waiting for more tests.

Suffice to say that the last couple of months have not gone according to plan. Instead of turning my energy outward, towards the needs of the world, I have been forced to look inward again. From necessity, I have had to take care of myself, to be with this pain, to work towards healing. So far nothing I have tried has significantly improved the pain, although acupuncture seems to have made a big difference in my energy levels.

Not knowing why I’m in pain, or what to do about it, is challenging. It makes me come up against demons of fear, anger, and endless frustration. I am being constantly challenged to face up to these emotions, to shed the illusions of certainty and stability, and to let go of some a lot of the comfort and protection that I have hidden behind for most of my life.

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Something big is happening. I can feel it. Something fundamental has changed this year. It’s like a chrysalis of my life is cracking and a butterfly is about to come out. That’s how big it feels.

I have learned so much in the last six months or so. First there was the realisation that I had been identifying exclusively with the hurt and scared child part of myself, which made it impossible to acknowledge and own everything that I have achieved as an adult. When I realised that, I stopped feeling like a fraud and started to feel like a competent person who can, and does, make a difference in the world. That was one of the biggest light bulb moments of my life.

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“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
Chinese proverb

So often, I feel a painful tension in my shoulders, a hardness in my jaw, and a clenching in my stomach. Until recently, I would have said that I don’t know where all this tension comes from. I have so much to be happy about, so much to be grateful for. Why is it that most of the time I feel tense, and I find myself fighting against reality?

Lately, I have realised what that fight is about. It is about disbelief. Despite the Spring’s great insight, I still don’t quite believe that I am good enough. I don’t believe that I’m spiritually mature enough to be a priestess, that I’m good enough at my job, or that I’m generous enough to be a good friend. I just don’t quite believe it. So I am constantly guarding myself against the moment that I am found out, and constantly striving to be different. Hence all that tension, trying to be who I think I should be. Trying to solve the problem of not being good enough.

Just a week ago, I wrote to a friend:
“I am not a problem that needs solving. I am a human being who needs loving.”

In order to live the life I dream of, I don’t need to change myself. All I need to do is love myself, accept all of who I am, be gentle with my own vulnerable soul. When I no longer reject aspects of myself but hold them gently, like a loving mother would, I can relax. When I tell myself that there is no need to be afraid, when I gently hold myself, I can feel the tension drain away.

Without all that tension, who I am feels much larger. When I relax, my heart opens to embrace the world, with its beauty and its pain. I feel the joy of living. I become who I am.

All it needs is giving to myself the gentleness and love I would give to anyone else.

With thanks to Oriah for posting the quote above on her Facebook page.

I have been too busy. To my own horror, I realised that this is the sixth weekend in a row that I’m not spending at home. Somewhere, between training courses, visits to my mother and spending time with my tribe, my routine got lost. And I very much need my routine. Without it, I start to lose my daily spiritual practice and without that I soon start to feel frazzled.

I have promised myself a break, and I have vowed that tomorrow some sense of normality will return. In the meantime, from my frazzled state, I’d like to tell you a story from my last couple of months. I hope that you will enjoy it and that it reminds me of my dream and what it takes to make it come true.

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Well then, here it is:

If any of you are planning or dreaming about a ceremony to mark a significant milestone in  your life or that of your community, or simply as a celebration, I am available to help you put it together and hold the space or officiate on the day. The same also goes for tarot readings and shamanic journeys.

There. I’ve said it. I’ve thrown it out there. Now I’ll just see where it lands…

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Just a few days ago, a number of realisations happened in quick succession. If I can hold on to them, I may have reached something of a breakthrough.

Much of it came from a very powerful conversation with my counsellor. I started seeing her in the summer, specifically to work on some old emotions that I still seem to be stuck in. What I discovered last week was how much I still identify with the wounded little girl that I was 30-something years ago. So much so, that everything I have achieved since then, didn’t seem real. For so long, I have felt that the confidence, competence and the modicum of wisdom I display to the world are something I am faking, and they’re not really mine. Because inside I feel like I’m eight years old and scared.

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There is a reason why traditionally people would go outside and bang pots and pans at the time of an eclipse to scare the shadow away. These moments of alignment between Earth, Sun and Moon always have an uneasy feel for me. There is a little chaos out there, as things that are usually predictable and reliable lose their way for a little while.

This morning’s total eclipse of the Moon was no different. I couldn’t see any of it as the English weather was set to cloudy. But I could feel it just as strongly. A sense of dread crept across me, as the shadow of the Earth crept across the face of the Moon.

I had planned my morning rite as a kind of cleansing ceremony. I would meditate on the things that hold me back and then allow them to be wiped away as the shadow was wiped from the Moon. But as I sat there, as I let the feelings of unease grow, the images that came to me brought another kind of healing. As I looked into the shadow, I saw myself looking back.

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It’s no easy task I have set myself. It’s quite difficult to let go of my little addictions, especially since they are such innocent looking habits and the opportunities are always there. But at least I am looking at them, avoiding some of them some of the time. Progress is being made.

What helps me to stop my fingers as they reach for the radio ‘on’ button or begin to type ‘facebook’ into the URL box is this imperative that came to me a week or so ago:

“Turn towards the uncomfortable feelings. Don’t look away.”

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As the trees shed their leaves, I am aiming to let go of some things that no longer serve me. There are some habits and rituals that I have become very used to but that distract me from being the person I would like to be. As the winds of autumn strip the trees bare of old growth, I would like to sweep clean my life of superfluous distractions.

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